


I knew a simple soldier boy

by orphan_account



Category: Rivers of London
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He found him in the living room, standing in front of the windows, which had been thrown open widely. The early march air had cooled down the temperature in the room, but for once Thomas didn´t seem to mind.
Relationships: Thomas Nightingale/Alexander Seawoll, past Thomas Nightingale/David Mellenby - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	I knew a simple soldier boy

Alex woke in the middle of the night to find his bed empty, devoid of both partner and cat. He ran a hand over the sheets where Thomas should be sleeping and found them cold to the touch. So he swung his legs out of bed, grabbed the jumper that he had left on the armchair in the corner and, deliberately ignoring the orange fur clinging to it, pulled it on over his head, before he tapped out of the bedroom to find Thomas.

He found him in the living room, standing in front of the windows, which had been thrown open widely. The early march air had cooled down the temperature in the room, but for once Thomas didn´t seem to mind.

Archie was sitting on the floor near Thomas, tail swishing, watching him, as if he was waiting, against all probability, to be picked up and petted.

When he heard Alex approaching Thomas turned, to look at him, and gave him a small smile that didn´t quite reach his eyes, before turning to face the dark street outside again, as Alex rounded the small dinner table to join Thomas.

A bit hesitant Alex wrapped his arms around Thomas´ waist from behind, not sure if his touch would be appreciated. But Thomas relaxed into the embrace, shoulders losing some of their tension, and he leaned against Alex, both hands coming to rest on Alex´, wrapping his long, slim fingers around them, intertwining them.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not particularly,” Thomas said, still staring out of the window, and then sighed, “but perhaps I should. I ought to do so at some point in any case”

He was silent for a few moments, before he continued. “I dreamt of David. My … partner prior to and during the war. He was quite brilliant, even though I never understood any of his scientific ideas. His birthday would have been coming up next week, so he is more on my mind at this time of year than he usually is, and I saw some lilies of the valley today. They were his favourite flowers. His face would always light up whenever he saw them. I loved that smile. Still dream of it, from time to time,” Thomas tugged Alex´ arms closer around his waist, as if steeling himself for what was to come. “I wasn´t there when they found him after he - after he had killed himself. His neighbours heard the gunshot, otherwise no one would have gone looking for him for quite a while I think. Most of his friends - just like mine - were dead at that point, and he never was a social butterfly. I wasn´t there for the funeral either. I was still in hospital at the time, ill, and some parts of me are almost glad about that. I doubt I would have been able to hide what he was to me, even though at that point we were almost nothing. We saw each other briefly before he did it, but I can barely remember it. Sometimes I wonder whether that was what pushed him over the edge, seeing me like I was. Perhaps it was. The situation has always morbidly reminded me of a poem David loved.  _ He put a bullet through his brain. No one spoke of him again.  _ After it happened those who were still around, nothing more than the shells of the men that they once were, refused to even mention him to me. None of them knew, I am sure of that, at least not definitely, but it had always been easy to see that we were close, as much as it always confused everyone around us.  _ You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye who cheer when soldier lads march by, sneak home and pray you´ll never know the hell where youth and laughter go. _ ”

Thomas grew quiet again, one hand rising to his face to wipe away the tears that were slowly trailing a wet path down his cheeks.

“I loved him more than life itself and suddenly, the moment I let down my guard, the first time in five years that I let myself believe that we might both make it out of that war alive, he was gone. Just like that. No battle, no  _ death in honour _ , no sacrifice for king and country. Just a broken man and his service revolver, locked in his lab at home. I couldn´t believe it at first. I kept expecting him to turn up, walk through the door to my hospital room, smile his beautiful, wide smile at me and sit at the side of my bed, just like he had done when I was injured during the early years of the war. It was completely ridiculous of course, even if he had been alive he wouldn´t have done it. We - what had been between us - were far too broken for that. It was worse after I returned the Folly. I kept seeing him everywhere, still do sometimes, walking down the stairs, sitting in one of the libraries or smoking rooms, badgering Molly for some chocolate in the kitchen. There are so many memories of him tied to the Folly that I sometimes forget that he didn´t live there the last twenty years of his life. I loved him so much, Alex.  _ So much _ . He has been dead for nearly twice the time I knew him, but I still do, and I fear I will do so for the rest of my life, however long that might turn out to be, no matter what happens. From the moment I got closer to him at Casterbrook my heart has invariably belonged to him. And that is something I need you to understand, Alexander. David will, in a way, always be part of this relationship. I cannot let him go, no matter how much time passes. He was the light of my life for nearly thirty years and I fear I am too damaged to let go of the memories of him, no matter how many memories I form with anyone else. That does in no way mean that I love you less, but you will never be the only one in my heart. If you do not wish to compete with a memory older than you, I would completely understand. But you would never have to do that, I am not that cruel. You two are too unlike each other to make comparison possible in any case and I feel I love you for very different reasons to those that made me love David all these years ago. And I am not sure I would be able to love David now, too much has changed, not only the world but also I. So even though part of my heart will always belong to David, the other part, as I have realised during the time we spend apart, has slowly and surely fallen for you, to a degree that I do not know what I would do without you in my life. I believe I am capable of loving both of you, and to keep those loves apart. Can you accept that offer, Alexander? I do not think I could go on without making sure that that is the case. Can you share my heart with a dead lover, knowing that this will never change?”

Alex listened to this intently, never having heard any of it before. Thomas only very rarely spoke of his past, and if he did it was almost always after a nightmare and he spoke in references too obscure for Alex to piece together on his own. He had known that Thomas´ romantic experience was almost exclusively made up of one long lasting relationship, but he had never been told any details, or, in fact, had been given a name for that past lover.

It nearly killed him, deep down, that Thomas had been hurt like this, that he had to suffer so much and lose so many. That he had never been able to rest and heal, that the events of almost a century ago continued to haunt him. 

But it did not make him love Thomas any less.

Love. It took a few moments for this to sink in. So far they had not reached the point at which they fully expressed their feelings to each other, and Alex had not fully admitted it to himself. That he irrevocably loved the man in his arms. And he had, unknowingly, said something to the same effect. It did something to Alex, something he couldn’t quite describe.

“Why are you telling me this now?” he asked, in a soft whisper, as if anything louder would make the bubble of openness and honesty surrounding them burst.

“Because I don´t want this to end the way it did two years ago. Your time is much more precious than mine, and I do not wish to needlessly waste it, so I thought it would be best to be honest with you and destroy any illusions you might have,” Thomas´ gaze wandered downwards, to their intertwined hands, and placed the one he had tugged away earlier on top of them. “I - I would understand should you wish to end this”

“Why the fuck would I want to end this Thomas? When this started I knew that you would bring more ghosts with you than the average person and I´m not going to let that be the reason this doesn´t work,” Alex said, perhaps with more force behind it than he should have. “I don´t mind if you still love him, and … it is a natural thing, I think, that after thirty years of relationship and little chance for full closure, you still feel like that. I would never ask you to change that, or indeed, refuse to share you. Even if he were still alive I would rather share you with him than not have you at all. But I appreciate it nevertheless. That you have told me. That you felt that you could tell me”

“You are the first person in this new life I seem to have gained that I have told this, I hope you realise that,” Thomas whispered, “David has always been a topic I couldn´t bring myself to talk about except in the most general of terms, let alone admit who he truly was to me. Almost as if voicing it might turn it into nothing but a dream, a story I have been telling myself for the past decades. Sound and smoke, and nothing more.”

“I … am honoured. That you feel that you can trust me with this. With your past. I understand that it cannot be easy.”

“I find that with you very few things aren´t easy, Alex. At times I want to tell you about things I haven´t been able to tell people in a very long time. So I thank you for listening”

Thomas turned in his arms, and for a moment Alex thought he was going to kiss him, like they normally would have done in a position like this, but instead Thomas wrapped his arms around Alex´ shoulders and buried his face in the crook of his neck. He looked vulnerable, more so than he had ever before.

So Alex pressed a kiss into his soft hair, and muttered “I love you too, Thomas”

**Author's Note:**

> Title and quotes taken from Siegfried Sassoon´s "Suicide in the Trenches"
> 
> (Yes, he did just accidentally tell Alex that he loves him)


End file.
